I'm too old for this shit...

Originally Posted April 10th, 2023

Fellow hygienists! I have need of your perspective on a personal predicament...

This is a long one. Buckle in.

I've been working at my current office since early November 2022. There are three fabulous doctors (one owner and two associates), three hygienists (including myself), six assistants, and four front office staff (including an HR manager). Myself and one hygienist work four days full-time, and the other hygienist works three days part-time. We run single column, one hour for prophys, 1.5 for new patients, and 1.5-2 hours for NSPT. We have extended hours (Mon-Fri 7am-7pm), but the doctors, hygienists, and assistants are all staggered, so no one ever works a full day. The assistants are all lovely, helpful, and highly skilled. We're growing like crazy, and the office stays hella busy.

I've been in dentistry longer than anyone else in the practice (13 years, and my dad was a dentist). Since I've been there, I've developed a loyal patient following, gotten great reviews and tons of compliments, and have quietly enacted some positive changes to office protocols. The patients who come to this office vibe really well with my personality and hygiene style. I love the owner's approach to patient care, and although we butt heads occasionally on minutiae, there's a "let's find solutions" attitude that we both share.

I'm also autistic, highly perfectionistic, intensely thorough, kinda weird, and tend to get tunnel brain, which can cause me to lose track of time and get behind. However, instead of punishing me, my manager had a brilliant solution and offered a vibrating interval timer I could wear like a watch that vibrates every 10 minutes and keeps me on track. I am also not great with children, so they tend to schedule kids with the other two hygienists, who are fabulous with the little crotch goblins. I've never had a manager and owner who supported me like this before, and I feel like I can do my best work at this practice.

Seems like a dream office, right?

It would be if the other two hygienists and two of the office staff didn't treat me like absolute dog shit on a constant basis. I was bullied throughout grade school and horrifically abused by my ex-husband. But professionally, as an adult, I have never experienced targeted and vicious bullying like this before.

It started out more passive-aggressive. The other full-time hygienist has never spoken to me on purpose since I've been there. She's hated me since day one. The part-time hygienist is very bubbly in a phony way and is super opinionated. She would jump in and make "corrections" to my op set-up (I know how to use barriers, thank you). There were many times when my seemingly mundane actions were intensely questioned so she could be "helpful" and explain her way, which, I assume, meant the "right" way (it wasn't, but whatever—life goes on).

Then it turned into sabotage from both of them: taking my slow speed and putting it in sterilization when she knew I needed it, leaving a room I needed dirty but moving on to her next patient in another room which put me behind, moving patients around in the schedule, deleting additions I had made in the autonotes, dumping her clusterfuck of a tray with disheveled instruments everywhere complete with a used prophy cup, floss, and dirty 2x2 ON TOP of the ultrasonic for me to deal with and leaving for the day to go on her sorority sister weekend, never filling up the water bottle for the next day when she knows I'm using that room, insisting the doctor do her exam first even when I've been waiting longer, and he has already put me behind... The list goes on.

It just kept getting worse and worse until the part-time hygienist was verbally abusive to me while she was sitting next to the full-time hygienist and surrounded by several assistants (probably thinking they would back her up). Thankfully, at that point, the assistants stepped in and told the HR manager who had a meeting with the part-time hygienist and told her to knock it off. She did apologize to me (without giving me or the manager an explanation for her vitriol towards me), but if she thinks I'll ever like her or trust her, she's delusional. That ship has sailed.

However, I'm an adult, and simply being nice is easier than causing a kerfuffle. So I continue making sure whatever room I'm working in is stocked, cleaned, and ready for either hygienist to use in the morning (I work the closing shift), that the instruments stay sharp (because neither one of them bother to do it despite having plenty of time), and that I do whatever I can to ensure things run smoothly. But now the full-time hygienist is making her hatred of me more apparent (rolling her eyes and huffing and puffing any time I ask her something or leaving more crap for me to clean up), and I get nervous any time she's near me.

The treatment coordinator is friendly with the full-time hygienist, and the more chummy they get, the worse the TC is to me. She'll happily help flip the full-time hygienist's or doctor's room, but if I need help (which I rarely ask for), I get a snippy remark and a lame excuse. Another front office staff was fussing at me after the last patient of a long damn day left because SHE wasn't doing her job. I slipped and said something sarcastic that didn't register as vaguely significant. She ran to the office manager because I somehow hurt her feefees and got me written up! Bitch put my job at risk for telling her to "get on it" when she didn't get off her ass and check out my patient, so I let him go home without collecting his $40 copay. She could have simply turned around in her chair and addressed the patient as he left, but now it's somehow my fault? Seriously? She went from trying to be my best friend (which made me super uncomfy) to now giving me the silent treatment, refusing to answer my questions, leaving without saying anything when I'm the last one in the office, and generally acting like an emotionally stunted petulant child. Mind you, I overhear her talking trash about everything she perceives is wrong with the practice like she owns the place. It's vile, and since she wants to play stupid games, I did make my manager aware of all the things I unwillingly overhear her say to the TC about other employees (including the manager and owner) because, oops! I can't tune out ambient noise, so I hear e v e r y t h i n g, and nobody likes a toxic twat. Autism is a blessing and a curse...

There have been many more instances of slights made against me, nasty comments, favoritism, and backhandedness from all four of them, but for the sake of brevity, I think you get the idea. I make it my mission in life to try not to make someone else's life more difficult, so this behavior is completely ridiculous and counterproductive to me. Dentistry is hard enough without adding hateful infighting bullshit to the mix.

After everyone left on Friday, I sat in my car and cried. I haven't cried in a long damn time. I texted my manager and nearly quit, but she promised to fix it and talked me off the ledge. I love my patients, and I know I add value to this office. But these mean, petty douchecanoes make me feel about this >< big, and I don't know what to do. I have no idea what I did to make these women hate me so much, and if I did, I'd fix it and stop. I don't know if it's jealousy, territorial displays, resistance to change, an out-of-hand personality clash or what, but the contempt they have for me is palpable, and my nerves are shot.

I don't want to leave, but I don't know how to handle this. The manager admits she's never had to deal with targeted bullying like this before. I mean, why would she? Most people leave this crap behind in grade school. Have any of you had to deal with something like this? What did you do? Is this situation even fixable? Am I doomed?

Looking forward to your replies 🩶🦷

*hums Taylor Swift*

🎶'Cause baby, now we got bad blood...

🦷UPDATE:

My manager had a discussion with all four offending participants, and things are getting better!

...mostly.

The part-time hygienist and I had a lovely text message conversation yesterday about an issue she was having, and we bonded a little while voicing some concerns we had about office protocols.

The full-time hygienist actually offered to help me, and although our paths do not cross often in the office, the times we did were pleasant and brief.

The treatment coordinator hasn't been unnecessarily sassy with me. Even when I got way behind because the doctor made me wait 35 minutes for an exam, she didn't get upset with me, and we worked together to get things back on track.

Unfortunately, the insurance coordinator is still giving me the silent treatment and going out of her way not to address me. I have strong reasons to believe there's something nefarious going on with the insurance claims, which I made my manager aware of when I told her about the gossiping the IC was doing, so I can understand why she'd still be testy with me. But honestly, three out of four ain't bad.

I don't need or want anyone kissing or blowing smoke up my ass, and I've never expected my coworkers to be my true boo bosom buddies. I simply don't want my job to be any more difficult than it already is. I thanked my manager for sticking up for me, and it's good to know I matter enough for her to have difficult conversations with people she's known for several years. I could tell it hurt her to have to discipline her employees, especially due to targeted bullying. She's a genuinely kind and bubbly person and perhaps the only human I've ever met where that isn't a façade. She has earned my trust, and it makes me want to be the best hygienist I can be for this practice.

I'm uncharacteristically optimistic about my future at this office, and I'm happy to say that I'm going to stay. Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and helpful advice—even the lady who accused me of slander and failing to act like an adult (because her answer seemed to be that I should have been strong enough to bully my bullies—a strategy I know to be ineffective and invariably blows up in my face). I've definitely learned from this experience and hope that the commenter did too. Dentistry can't be done alone; you need a team to do it well. Thank you all for being on my team. I appreciate it more than I can say.

*hums Sister Sledge*

🎶We are fam-i-ly! I got all my sisters with me!

🦷UPDATE #2:

Reading back through this post is depressing as fuck, not gonna lie. I lasted about another month after that first update was posted. They fired me in June. Two incidents occurred back to back that sealed my fate.

I'm not good with kids. I never have been. I didn't like kids when I was one. I had to clean the teeth of a 12-year-old with filthy teeth. He was being really difficult and I was running behind. I just wanted to get the job done and get him out of my chair. He kept jerking his head around and I grumbled, asking him to please be still so I can get this over with.

I know now I should have just stopped what I was doing and told his mom he needed to go to a pedo office since he refused to cooperate. At the time, I was flustered and didn't even consider that option. The kid went back to his mom and told her I was mean, which got back to my office manager and got me written up again.

Then I had a woman a few days later who was one of those who refuses to swallow her own spit, even after you've rinsed her to death and the appointment is over. I had suctioned her again, sat her up, tidied my tray, and was putting in my note when I heard this "MMMM! MM! MMMMM!" coming from behind me. I look at her and ask, "Are you OK? Is something wrong?" She points to her mouth angrily and then to the suction. I say, "Oh, it's safe to swallow. Nothing I used will hurt you. It's just your own saliva."

Apparently, this was not acceptable, and she shook her head and pointed to her mouth and the suction again, even angrier than before. I put a glove on and put the straw in her mouth. She aggressively said, "Thank you," and I asked if she wanted to hold the suction herself. She declined and sat back, rolling her eyes and generally being a fucking bitch. The doctor did the check, and she left.

I immediately forgot about her rude ass until I was pulled aside two hours into my shift for a "meeting." I looked at the doctor and the office manager, confused as to what the problem was. They informed me that I got a bad review on Google and I was being fired. Excuse me? I had a dozen fabulous reviews on Google! I asked to see the review.

This fucking cunt had hopped on Google to say that I told her to spit on her napkin instead of letting her use the suction. Why the fuck would I do that? Seriously, who would say that? I get grossed out when patients spit all over themselves. This horrible Karen twit lied and it cost me my job.

I tried to explain what happened, but it was pointless. The fact that I had established a loyal patient base, regularly received glowing compliments on my work, and made positive changes in the office didn't matter. One bad review was the final straw.

The other two hygienists looked giddy as I gathered up my shit. It was humiliating to get fired in the middle of the workday. It was only about 11am and I still had patients to see. They didn't care. And I decided that day that I'll never care ever again.

This was the first office in my career where I had patients who were mine. We bonded; they only wanted to see me, they brought me presents when they came for their appointments, and they made me feel loved. And that was taken from me because of a lying bitch's defamatory review, an insolent brat, and childish office staff.

On the drive home, I vowed never to get emotionally involved in an office ever again. It hurts too much to be torn from something you built and appreciated. I finally felt like I had a career and not just a job, but what I want doesn't matter. They have to do what they think is right for the practice, and that didn't include me.

I was hired with two offices after I was fired that were awful. One was a corporate office that wasn't even open yet, and they kept being dishonest about when it was set to open. The whole thing felt sketchy, so I bounced. The second office had the meanest patients I've ever worked with. One patient assaulted me and then acted shocked when I wanted her to get the fuck out of my chair so we could reschedule her with someone else. And people wonder why I'm a misanthrope...

I made the switch to doing full-time fill-in around mid-November 2023 and I wish I had made the move years ago. I could have saved myself a lot of stress and disappointment over the years if I hadn't tried to squeeze myself into their cramped, idealized little boxes. I'm a dental black sheep, and I'm ok with that. I still get lots of compliments on my work and have several offices that request me regularly. That's good enough for me.

I still think about a few of my patients I had grown close to and hope they're doing well. I love the fancy soaps you gave me and think about you every time I hear Mariah Carey on the radio or think about changing my hair color. I hope the next hygienist gives you the excellent treatment you deserve.

*sigh*

Mistakes were made. Lessons were learned.