An Unfortunate Mishap

My momma used to smoke Virginia Slims when I was young. Which to me tastes like a wilted weed that grew up adjacent to a tobacco field on the wrong side of the tracks, who was fed a steady diet of pulverized rice cakes and burnt kale chips steeped in Burnett's vodka and sexist stereotypes, sprinkled with a dash of self-hatred and a pinch of broken dreams; who as a little plant aspired to be a strong, successful tobacco plant someday, but instead dropped out of plant college to live with a deadbeat shwag plant and became a tragic accessory of jaded, busted up, rode-hard working girls everywhere, who’ve "come a long way" in the wrong direction.

It was the middle of summer, and we were out shopping. I was super thirsty and asked if I could finish the open Diet Coke she had sitting in the cupholder in her minivan. She said, "Sure," not remembering the can was mostly empty and she had put out her shriveled Virginia Slim butt in the backwash (I grew up on the beaches of North Carolina and throwing your butts on the ground is a huge no no).

I took a huge gulp of warm Diet Coke and cigarette ash, and my short life flashed before my watering eyes as my throat caught fire. My gut immediately rejected the foul-tasting witch's brew of basic bitch nectar and incinerated carcinogen in a violent slobbering coughing fit as my mother watched in horror at the consequences of her grave mistake.

My taste buds will never let me forget that experience as long as I live. I can still recall the taste of it to this day, 25ish years later, and my face involuntarily contorts in revulsion. 

What's particularly stupid is that wasn't enough of a deterrent to stop me from becoming a smoker at 16 (Camel Turkish Silvers and Izmir Stingers, no less, which are particularly pungent with smoke that feels thick in your mouth). I finally quit smoking cigarettes and switched to vaping six years ago. I've had one drag of a Marlboro Red since then and was so disgusted by it, I know I'll never touch another one.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane. I can't say I enjoyed that, but at least I could laugh through the pain.